Watch as I carry both. – “Still Wonderful”, Johnnyswim.

2024 was a year full of new hopes, dreams, and possibilities. I visited a new country, started a new job with a great team, married the love of my life surrounded by the people I truly loved, and I felt on top of the moon – unstoppable.

2025 on other hand…

• My father passed away at the age of 50.
• My job security was stripped away – being laid off for the following year.
• I had my second mental break down
• Doubting my self-worth
• Questioning my capabilities + character
• Wanting to “silence” everything around me

It is only March.

They say that everyone experiences grief in different ways. My grief just happens to have compounded into this giant rubber band ball that I’m afraid it is going to snap and break everything and everyone in its radius. What should be my “newlywed” phase has been overshadowed by the weight of these losses. And since I don’t want a repeat of last week where all I wanted to do was just be a comatose tomato-potato….

Here I am.

And you probably have already guessed it, yes, I am in therapy and have an appointment tomorrow morning, don’t worry about that. I have also completed my paint-by-number kit, made the two candles, read a grief book, went to the beach… I have started and finished the grieving projects – (even though, I am sure the candle making will turn into a business, just wait for it!) – I am challenging myself to write it all out. The good, the bad, the ugly. The proper, the improper. Grammatical and punctuation errors, run-on sentences. You name it, I’m sure it will be here… maybe it can be a drinking game for us both.

I suppose this is apart of my healing journey. Writing out my thoughts and feelings to the existential void. As someone who grew up by internalizing that they should be seen and not heard, I’m deciding to make myself heard now. I don’t know where this journey will go or how far it will reach, but as I promise my dad each and every day now… I’m going to try.

Hi, my name is Abbie. I am one of the 57% of Americans who have experienced loss in the last three years.

Welcome to my madness – Buckle Up and Hold on to your butts.