My heart is beating I can’t turn away. – “Golden” Shiv

Dear 31,

Let’s be real – I’m old. I feel it. If my last chiropractic trip showed me anything… these boots are in major need of some repair.

But to be totally honest this birthday has found me in a rather interesting place. Literally feel like that Robert Frost poem:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both

Between losing my dad, finding a job for the fall, deciding to go back to school, deciding on where our next home will be… I can’t help but feel lost during this time. There are plenty of options for me to take. I just don’t know where to go. I also don’t know what to do next. And I wish dad was here to help me make sense of it all.

I should just admit that I am also scared and hesitant with this next season. The fear of the unknown.

I already admitted that I have a control problem. Yes, I am afraid of not having control of the steering wheel. But I know I can’t be alone with this feeling right? As you get older and celebrate another birthday, a person should have some form of their lives together, right? Stability and structure should be cornerstones, right? Your thirties are the new twenties, right?

Truth be told I just feel like such a… disappointment.

I know, you’re all thinking that I am being way to hard on myself and yes, you are right. I am being BEYOND hard on myself. To those who I have been having great conversations with lately, thank you for speaking life to and over me. I am trying to listen. Since the beginning of the year, I have not been kind to myself at all: mentally and emotionally speaking. Lots of self doubt, self loathing, worries, what if scenarios, dooms day planning, etc. Come to find out I have an [inner-karen] who likes to come out and show out a few times, and mostly at the most convenient times of my life. And I’m sure like most, I have found myself listening to that voice a little bit too much lately.

I know that this year, overall, will be an especially hard and difficult one with dad’s passing – as will the rest of the next years to come. But of course, this will be the year of firsts. Starting with my first birthday without him. I just feel that I am starting life all over again – just without my trusted map to guide me. I think too, I just have lost some faith and trust in myself and in God too. The good thing about all of this funnily enough is that I know I have a fantastic support system. My husband, my chosen family of friends, and my family are all within reach. I just need to choose to trust them to carry me during this time where I can’t carry myself.

So 31, here’s my prayer.

I pray for grace, more specifically, grace to give to myself. With such a long list of adult decisions I need to make, I pray for grace to accept that I don’t need to figure out all of these decisions right in this moment. I pray for grace to feel all of the range of emotions in real time and not to push them away or sweep them under the rug. I pray for grace and wisdom to trust my support team as my thought partners in helping me figure out the next steps of this season. I pray for grace to trust in the Lord with all my heart and not to lean on my own understanding. And I pray for grace to speak words of life back to myself, as I know that dad would of done for me if he were still here.

Robert Frost may have been on to something:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Dear 31, I’m scared and hesitant for what is in store. But I’m going to try, trust and keep moving ahead anyway. Maybe that will make all the difference.

Happy birthday to me – here’s to a year full of grace upon grace upon grace.